identity crisis

now that i've had a day to process my raw thoughts about my experiences at .bE, i want to spend a little more time talking about what was really going on with me last night.

i read the imformation about Emergent before .bE began. i felt hurt by what i had read, and because of that i know that i didn't give the .bE experience the chance it deserved. i still wonder why the push for Emergent had to come in a context such as .bE -- as if it clouded the purpose of our worship. if our worship was a time to simply be in the presence of Christ, then i don't know that it was helpful or appropriate to advertise Emergent at the same time. i will return to my thoughts and feelings sparked by Emergent in a moment.

but first, back to .bE. i think that i was expecting something different of the evening - that the space would be set for guided worship, where the guided worship was the main thrust. looking back, i realize that perhaps the opening guided worship was just that: an opening. i left as soon as that was over, without experiencing any of the prayer stations, frustrated by Emergent (see above paragraph) and curiously disturbed by, what felt to me, a lack of guided theological movement or authority, especially in terms of any assurance of grace for the sinner or a description of a Christ whose presence was not dependent upon my own efforts. i know now that choosing to use the stations would have helped me to understand the concept of the evening better, whether or not i would have agreed with what its theology. that is to say, i didn't look at the whole .bE experience and for that i am unfit to make a judgement on the evening, but only express my regret for not giving it a fair chance.

as for Emergent. this is where my identity crisis comes in. i returned to my room, shaken by what i had read (see the quote in last night's post). i felt weighed down by insecurities and fears. i didn't even have the spiritual or emotional resources to get defensive. i just got sad: i sat down and cried.

here i am, at seminary, dedicating my life to the service of the church. i am feeling called to be ordained in an organized and mainline church that has not only served me well spiritually and theologically, but has demonstrated an authentic love for and service in the world. if the institutional church is as theologically bankrupt or stagnant or irrelevant as Emergent says, then what am i doing here? am i mistaken in believing that traditional churches do indeed demonstrate dynamic faith? that isn't sasrcasm -- i am truly asking that out of fear. i fear that i am about to devote my life to a failure. i fear that as we try harder and harder to make church accessible, we actually encourage people to reject traditional forms of worship. and that scares me. is the calling i feel merely an illusion? where can i find my worth as a pastor? what if there is no space for me in the Christian or church world anymore?

i am scared, and as i said last night, i feel defeated. i feel like i have worked so hard to speak theologically about worship and tradition (and be extension, the institutional church). sometimes i wonder if i just shouldn't bother anymore, if i should just give in to the creation of a new status quo in the church...

i feel helpless, and i really do feel like i'm in the midst of an identity crisis. how can i be a pastor in a worldview that has no more space for me?