I spent this past weekend at the University of Notre Dame for a Ph.D interview/admissions weekend hosted by the theology department. I drove in Thursday night, checked into the Inn at St. Mary's (quite beautiful), flipped through my orientation packet, drove around to find some late dinner, and met my awesome roommate, Christina. We stayed up way too late, nervous about the next day's interviews and not quite able to get comfortable in beds that weren't our own.
We got up Friday, went over to campus, and had an orientation session in which we learned a few important things: 1) that I was one of 3 Liturgical Studies applicants invited to campus for interviews, 2) that they only officially accept as many people as they have money to fund, which means somewhere around 15 of the nearly 30 of us, and 3) those of us invited to campus had already been deemed "admissible." Which means that I feel proud to have been invited, whether or not I'm actually offered admission. Then we ate a swanky lunch, meeting faculty members in our particular specialties. Turns out that most of the Liturgical Studies faculty had were out of town on far-previously arranged speaking engagements, and so there was only one professor available. So after he conversed with the three of us over lunch, we proceeded to do a three-on-one interview (very casual) instead of having 6 or 8 back-to-back interviews with faculty (which is what everyone else in other specialities had to do). I really like the other two Liturgical Studies candidates! I wish that they could/would just accept all three of us.
Friday evening, we split up (again) into our particular specialties and ate dinner at the houses of students or professors in those specialties. For us LS people, we had a students-only dinner at a second-year's house. It was a fabulous evening - all of the current LS students are just wonderful. And all three of us candidates got along quite well with everyone. Unfortunately, over dinner we learned that the LS department usually only takes 2 people! Bah!
Saturday was spent touring the library, the campus, and the South Bend area, as well as eating lunch with some current Ph.D students and learning more about what it's like to be a Notre Dame grad student. I myself spent some free time wandering campus, hanging out in the bookstore, and taking some pictures just for fun. Saturday evening closed with a super-fancy dinner, at which I had yet more fantastic conversations with other Ph.D admission candidates. I think that I could so easily be friends with so many of the candidates, and I wish that they could really just take all 30 of us!
For what it's worth, this weekend proved to me that I could be completely happy at Notre Dame. Going into the weekend, I knew that it was the only school that had the exact program that I wanted, but I had doubted that I'd actually end up there. There are so many complexities in going there - more moving, more commuting, trying to figure out what Matt would do with his last year of law school - but after spending a weekend there, I realized that there is no way that I can rule it out. Not only is it certainly the perfect program, but I can easily see myself fitting in there. I can actually consider the fact that going there might be worth the complexities. So we'll see what happens. The first step is getting accepted! I'll get the phone call (yes! phone call!) sometime this weekend...eeks!
And hopefully my other three schools will start telling me something in the next week or so! Yikes. Am I getting a Ph.D???
No, not the book. I'm talking about one of more entertaining things I ever did in college: being a part of a spontaneous "Sunday School" Christmas pageant during daily chapel. Brilliant. This is one of many reasons that I absolutely love St. Olaf - it reminds me of just how wonderful the campus pastors are, to model both a spirit of reverence and humor; a spirit of compassion and of joy; a sense of both the pastoral and the theological...they are, for me, the ideal of what pastors should be, and I credit them (and the St. Olaf student congregation) with nearly all of my desire to be a pastor. But enough of the sappy stuff.
So without further ado...The 2007 St. Olaf College Sunday School Christmas Pageant!
Is there anyone out there who's an expert on postmodern philosophy/philosophers? I'm wading my way through some Derrida, Foucault, and Lyotard as I revise a paper to submit as a writing sample, and REALLY wish that I'd been a philosophy major way back in the day...then this task would be drastically simpler...
If anyone has words of wisdom, feel free to share!
Ok...am I really at ALL qualified to apply to the schools on my list? Really? I'm trying to ask past profs to write me recommendations, and now that I'm composing those emails, I have this horrible picture of professors reading my emails, looking at the schools for which I want them to write recommendations, and either laughing or shaking their heads in disbelief. I am thoroughly afraid that I'm embarrassing myself by applying to these high-raked programs.
AND, now that I've been answering the question "so what are you up to these days?" with the response "I'm a pastoral intern right now, and I'm in the midst of applying to PhD programs," I think that I have a lot of people in my life just expecting that I'm going to apply to schools and go on to get the degree. What do I tell them if I don't get in anywhere??
So I'm DOUBLY worried right now about the schools that I'm applying to. Bah.
Last week was CRAZY. I spent much of my week on two big projects: planning a powerpoint-led, multisensory prayer station, praise band, candle-filled alternative worship service for last night; and trying to write a sermon (turns out that it's harder than you'd think to say something meaningful about the "if you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you could tell the trees to uproot themselves and toss themselves into the sea" text).
Things here in Rockford are good. These first three months have been a time of big transitions for the church itself, and I've had to strike a balance between facilitating some of them and just going along for the ride. At this point, things are the calmest they've been since I got here. We're settling into our new worship schedule, for the most part, and there have been flickers of hope for our dying high school youth group.
It's still a pain to be separated from Matt, but we're hanging in. I know that I am more functional than I was back at PTS when we first got married and were living apart (perhaps I am just so busy these days that I don't have time to wallow?), but I think that it's harder on him this time around. He's busier and under more stress than ever, and it gets lonely. We're 1/4 of the way through this year apart, and I think it's safe to say that we've already started the countdown to my move back to Chicago.
The "biggest" news these days, which isn't all that big, and it's not really news, is that I have officially begun the process of applying to Ph.D programs for either fall of 08 or 09. I know that I've hinted at it around the blog, but I'm not sure that I ever officially tossed the idea out there. I'm still discerning what my call is, and at this point, I don't know that I'm definitely going to pursue the degree even if I get into programs, but at this stage in the game, I feel compelled to keep my options open. I'm trying to figure out if getting ordained and getting a PhD are going to be mutually exclusive endeavors, if I want to do them in succession (but which one first??), if I want to try to do them concurrently (if the ELCA would give me a part-time first call in the same locale as my academic program...ha...), or if there's another combination of these two things that I haven't thought of yet! If anyone has any advice or wisdom for me, please share...
I've already taken the GRE, I'm furiously revising one of my better papers from seminary to submit as a writing sample, and I've started contact with potential references. I have to say that I'm sort of going all-or-nothing with my applications. I'm mostly applying to schools where I'm a long shot to get in, not because I'm terribly concerned with status, but more because there aren't as many schools offering Ph.D's in my potential concentration(s) as I'd want, and because (for a variety of reasons) I'm only really available to apply for schools in the Chicago area. So I'm applying to the University of Chicago (in theology), Notre Dame (in liturgics), Loyola University Chicago (in theology), and then, because it's nice to have an absurd dream school that transcends other geographic limitations, I'm applying back to PTS (in history of worship...yup...they offer it under the guise of either church history or history of doctrine).
So...prayers appreciated on this venture. It's a tough one - if I had known at the beginning of my M.Div that I was going to end up pursuing a Ph.D, I probably would have done some things differently. I'm a bit nervous about getting into schools, and a bit nervous about what I'll feel about ordination if I don't get into programs, and a bit nervous about what I'll feel about ordination if I DO get into programs.
But for the time being, I take comfort in knowing that I don't have to decide anything until next spring. For now, I will enjoy my internship, work on applications, look forward to weekends with Matt, and continue to take life one day at a time (because really, I can't plan much farther ahead than that!).
Last night, just after midnight, I emailed my last paper of the semester to my professor, a full 8.5 hours ahead of deadline.
And then I felt really really confused and weird.
With that paper turned in, I am officially done with this year, which means that I am officially done with school forever. (Unless I get a Ph.D someday. But I'm not thinking about that yet.) So in theory, I am finished with school. Finished with readings and papers and assignments hanging over my head, finished with the idolization of summer that comes with knowing that a new schoolyear begins in September, finished with classrooms and cafeterias and library research....
...and it turns out that I don't yet know if I like it. I've spend nearly 21 straight years of my life being a student. I don't really think that I know how to do anything else. I have a degree that leaves me qualified to get ordained, but nothing else, and I certainly don't yet feel qualified to be ordained! (Hopefully internship will help!!!) Even though I am in line to end up with a vocation in another year and a half, and a vocation so profound that I actually have to feel called by God to do it, I am feeling a sense of helplessness and loss at the moment, because I'm finished with the one thing in life that I know I can do well: be a student. And I'm finished with the one thing in life that I understand the best: the academy. I'm headed toward something that I love - the church - but I'm so unsure as to how I'm going to fare serving it full-time and full-force.
I already miss the comfort of holing myself up in the library, working on a paper. I already miss the bliss of knitting/cooking/playing video games when I should be working. I already miss the satisfaction of finishing a paper. I even miss the stress of a busy and yet ultimately productive week. School is a series of small accomplishments (and some bigger ones) that makes me feel smart, responsible, and capable.
I'm scared to move beyond all of that.
I walked into this schoolyear knowing that I was entering into a mere one-year venture here at LSTC, and though I hoped I'd make friends (which I did) and hoped that the campus would feel somewhat like home (it does to some extent), I hadn't factored in for myself any wiggle-room for attachment.
This past Monday evening, after my last Systematic Theology class, I walked out, my brain completely unaware that this was different than any other evening, and feeling the joy of my first last class of the semester. I was in end-of-schoolyear mode without being in end-of-LSTC mode. And I ran into friends in the stairwell who were comparing their dates of departure from Hyde Park, and saying goodbyes, and it occurred to me that when my last class is over this afternoon, I am walking out of this place perhaps forever. I think that since I'm only done with my first year here, my brain was lulled into thinking that it was like being done with my first year of college or my first year at PTS - that I was saying partial (and temporary) goodbyes to most people, and some distant and regretful goodbyes to the seniors. But I'm not coming back in the fall. So I'm starting to try to figure out how to "grieve" leaving this place - how to say goodbye to people here and to the school. I haven't really had the opportunity to say a lot of goodbyes, so perhaps I'm just going to end up leaving here as casually as I came here, though that doesn't seem particularly emotionally intelligent.
I suppose that I just hadn't figured into my plan for this year any sort of attachment. And it's hard to know where to place my emotions about leaving. On one hand, I've been here, had my good times and bad times, gotten into a routine, made friends, had fun with my classmates, and because of all of this, I have a complete right to be sad about departing and to be sad about having to say so many goodbyes. On the other hand, I have not been here for the four-year cycle as all the seniors have been. So though we all are leaving here and need to say goodbye, I feel that I haven't spent enough time here to truly have sad emotions about leaving, at least not compared to the seniors who have completed their entire seminary career here.
I'm singing at graduation, which will be good. I will have my chance to say some goodbyes and give some hugs and take some pictures, and all of that will be extremely helpful. But it is weird to think that my junior and middler classmates are going to continue on next year without me. Everybody else who is going on internship between their middler and senior year (as is the usual order of things) gets to come back after their internship is over. And the juniors come back for another round of classes next year. I have no idea with which class I relate. I relate with the seniors because they're not coming back to LSTC, just like me. I related with the middlers because they are anticipating leaving here for internship, just like me. I related to the juniors because they are done with one year of class here, just like me.
This is all a very long-winded way of saying that I'm starting to get sad about leaving the LSTC community, because I've grown attached to people and things here, and that I haven't a clue as to how to say as many goodbyes as I need to. So if there are any LSTC readers out there, know that I am going to miss being away from this community, and that I hope that since my internship is reasonably close to Chicago, I'll be able to stop in every now and again, and that I have a new appreciation for things like Facebook, where I can keep up with what everyone is up to as they continue their seminary, internship, and first call journeys.
As for me, to Rockford I go starting July 1. Hopefully I'll get to hang out with some of my LSTC friends during my quiet June, and once I'm settled into things in Rockford, I'd of course love visitors. :)
Goodbyes are hard. Does anyone actually get better at them as time goes by?
It's my last week of classes. There is much to say, but no time to say it yet. I promise a real post soon (instead of the one-liner posts I've been spouting out), but just bear with me until I'm done writing a sermon and two papers. I'll be back soon!
Let's flash back to elementary school. The social world: varying degrees of intelligence, varying degrees of motivation, varying degrees of behavior. You had smart kids and not so smart kids, you had good kids and troublemakers, you had friendly kids and unfriendly kids. It wasn't until junior high for me that categories of popularity entered the scene. So in elementary school, you could be a total geek and a goody-two-shoes, and you were no worse for the wear.
But teachers picked up on it.
That being said, were you ever the kid, who, when assigned to a small group, was placed in a group with two contentious or unfriendly or trouble-making or not-as-intelligent kids, simply because the teacher knew that you could deal with it (due to your good disposition, good grades, good behavior, etc.)? Or were assigned to present, say, a book report on the first day of presentations, because the teacher knew that others wouldn't be capable of being prepared early, but you would be? It wasn't so much that teachers decided to give you a challenge because you were capable, but rather that teachers had to accommodate first those who weren't so flexible, or didn't have as many options, or who didn't get along as well with everybody, or who were less patient, etc...and then, by virtue of your "virtue," you were given the leftovers.
Did you ever have the experience of feeling stuck or slighted merely because you were, ironically, viewed favorably by those in charge?
(Such is the irony of the current existence.)
I'm interning starting July 1 for a year at Trinity Lutheran Church in Rockford. I don't have anything productive to say about how I feel with this placement at the moment. Suffice it to say that it's a good church but a VERY far commute, and because of the distance it was nowhere near my first choice, despite the fact that the pastor is great, and that the process of opening up the envelope with my placement, the placement itself, and my resulting reaction occurred exactly - EXACTLY! - as it all did in my dream. It was uncanny and a little freaky. To the point that I am thinking that I have true psychic powers and should ditch the ministry in favor of acquiring a crystal ball and selling my clairvoyant services. (Which would render today's decision irrelevant...)
I'll talk more when I'm less emotional and when I've had a chance to process.
...until I know where I'm going to be doing Internship for the next year.
Update #3: Well, it's 11:56 and I'm done with everything I needed to get done. Given that I have to leave the apartment by 7am to get to class by 8, I don't know that it'd be wise to stay up any later for the sake of knitting, but I'm probably going to do it anyway. Perhaps a half-hour limit? :) See you in the morning!
Update #2: It is now 10:43pm, and I have to admit that I ended up getting myself very sidetracked. I've accomplished no work since my last update. Will I still be able to squeeze in some knitting tonight? Stay tuned...
Update #1: It is 9:19pm, and my paper is finished! So I now 41 minutes left to organize my group's notes if I plan on keeping to my "schedule." I have a knitting date at 10pm!
Fueled by leftover Stir Crazy stir-fry (consisting of tofu, water chestnuts, bean sprouts, broccoli, bamboo shoots, red cabbage, peanuts, and brown rice in a sweet and spicy Thai bbq sauce), and with both half a glass of diet black cherry vanilla Coke and half a cup of coffee sitting on the end table next to me (should I need them), with the Padres/Dodgers game on TV in the background, I am going to power through the last page of the research paper I've been writing for the past week on Andreas Osiander, the Lutheran confessions, and the concept of justification as the indwelling of Christ. It's been slow goings thus far, but I'm on the home stretch, so I will find a way to meaningfully interpret all of my research in order to write a page on "why the heck this all matters" and to write a pithy conclusion paragraph or two. And then after my paper is done, I will organize a pile of research for a group project that I'm a part of. And then...hopefully around 10:00 or so, if all goes well...I will KNIT.
I'm in one of those moods where the only thing I want to be doing when I should be doing homework is knitting. I've been working on a lacy scarf and making good progress, and I've ripped out the beginnings of one sweater that I'd started while ago (I've found so many better project ideas since then!), and started a new sweater with that yarn, which I also then ripped out, and have now dedicated that yarn to a new set of projects that I promise I will not rip out.
I'd bookmarked this tank top a while ago, and it's the perfect project for me right now, and the yarn I have will work nicely for it. And then, I tripped upon this shrug/cropped sweater, and I think that I can make it work in the same yarn, so if all goes well, I'll have myself an interesting variation on a twinset. I'm very excited about these projects, and would MUCH rather be knitting right now than working on a paper and a group project. But this is my incentive: do my work efficiently, and thus leave myself time for some pre-bedtime knitting.
I'll let you know how things go...
I woke up at 6ish this morning because I'd had a nightmare. Not the sort of nightmare that is scary in a horror sort of way, no monsters or killers, no dark and stormy nights, nothing out of your typical dark suspense-horror movie. This was the sort of "nightmare" that put me in a completely realistic situation, gave me a completely plausible outcome, albeit one that I apparently found unfavorable, and jolted me awake in my awareness that my dream had betrayed an emotional reality to me.
I dreamed that it was Internship assignment day (which is coming up in real life on April 23). Now, the process to get to this point has been fairly intense. I interviewed with seven internship supervisors in the greater Chicagoland area. At the end of the two weeks of interviews, I submitted a list of sites that I'd be willing to intern at (in order of preference), and all the supervisors submitted a list of students they'd interviewed (in order of preference). Between then and April 23, the field education office matches up students to sites based on these lists of preference, and I think this means that if a supervisor and a student both have each other ranked number one, they are a lock for the site. This is all very high-pressure to me. I have fears that none of my top choices put me at the top, or that my number one choice put me second, and the person he ranked first also ranked him first, so I lose out...I liked all of the sites with whom I interviewed, and I'd do fine at any of them, but the truth is that two of them are in Rockford, which is a heftier commute than I'd like, and I've found myself growing overly attached to my top three sites, which is unhealthy. It leads to disappointment. But I've assumed that when assignment time comes, I'll be fine with whatever site they give me. I assume that if I don't get any of my top sites I'll question why other might have gotten them, and why I mistakenly assumed that I had clicked so well with those sites, and I'm sure I'll be a little jealous or disappointed, but in the long run, I have been certain that I will be fine, no matter what my assignment. After all the interviews, I said to myself that I'd be happy at any of the sites. But....is that really true?
In my dream, I got assigned to one of the Rockford sites, and burst into tears. I apparently couldn't handle not getting one of my top choices, and I really really couldn't handle thinking about the commute. In real life, the supervisor of this site and I got along really well, but Rockford is still close to 2 hours away. So in my dream, I think that my true feelings about being assigned to Internship in Rockford came through. And I woke up, grateful that it was only a dream, and that I still had a chance to end up at one of my top choices, or at least at a church closer than Rockford...but I also woke up haunted by the reality that Internship assignment could go exactly like it did in my dream. That I'm too attached to the idea of some of the sites, and too sure of myself that I'd actually have made a good enough impression on the supervisors to have them rank me highly. That I might actually cry if I am handed a long commute. That I'll be completely jealous of those who got the sites that I had my...err... sights set on.
And then, in the midst of this self-reflective fog, I looked out the window. Yikes. It was SNOWING SIDEWAYS. It's April. But there it was - a stream of large, wet, puffy snowflakes blowing sideways through the air with a very evil-sounding wind. The cat freaked out at the wind, and ran around the apartment, meowing at the windows. I wished that I could just stay in bed for the rest of the day and not have to get up and go anywhere. And I got grumpy. I love snow. I get sad when my winters aren't snowy. But when it's mid-April....I'm ready for spring. I really am.
...but instead I'm studying for a midterm.
Tell me how this makes sense: a professor - of Lutheran theology, confessions and history, nonetheless - at a seminary full of pastors-to-be decides to schedule a midterm for 8am the Monday after Easter. Shouldn't he know better? Those of us pastor-types in his class likely spent Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and all morning Sunday at church, doing church things. Which means that for nearly the entire week before this midterm, we've been living at church instead of having time to study. This midterm is just mean.
So instead of sharing anything with you all about my Easter celebrations, or the general goings-on over here, or even something nice and theological having to do with my experiences and beliefs about Holy Week, I am instead reading as much as I can concerning the first half of the semester's topics in the Lutheran confessions, so that I can write two somewhat erudite essays on undisclosed topics at 8am tomorrow morning.
I think I'm a little grumpy.
The gray days are getting to me, I think.I've been in a weird mood the past couple days. Today in chapel it occurred to me that the word "disillusioned" might be the best one to describe what I'm feeling.Part of this has to do with being in school, and being only vaguely attached to it. I'm a commuter, I'm only here for one year, and I'm taking many repeat sorts of classes. I feel unattached to what goes on here, therefore, and it's causing me to become disillusioned with what it means to be a student. Also, I keep wondering what all this studying is really about. At what point does just knowing more stuff really matter anymore? Mind you, this is coming from the girl who is still considering a Ph.D. I'm not ready to turn away from the academy, but I am starting to feel a bit closed in. Everyone (including me) has their passions - some love studying languages, some love reading liberation theology, some love multicultaral ministry studies, some love working through Paul's letters, some (like me) love liturgy and preaching courses. And we all want to believe that our passions are important to the greater world. But...are they? And at what point are we fooling ourselves if believing that being an expert on Paul or in Hebrew will actually better-equip us for service in the world? And in the same way that I wanted to just escape school/seminary for a while, so also did I feel as if I wanted to escape my future place in a parish for a while. The seminary and the parish are insular. I don't feel trapped by them, but I do feel padded in and perhaps oversheltered by them. I feel as if these two spheres, when they are the only spheres in my life, are trying to convince me that the other parts of my life/work/world aren't as important, and that these noble institutions are the best lens through which to view the world. That my passions, interests, anxieties, etc. are best-filtered through both school and parish. I sort of feel that these two spheres are trying to hold an exclusive claim on me, and I really wish that I could be free of them for a while. There's a luxury to spending 40+ hours a week devoted to God and God's service (and preparation for it), but insofar as it is a luxury, I am starting to feel about it the same way that I do about other luxuries. A little guilty, a little wasteful, perhaps a little detached from what is necessary, feeling the need to be a bit more frugal with my life.The church is absolutely necessary, I believe that. And as that institution is so important, so also are the pastors who lead it. And so also are the professors who teach the seminarians who will be those pastors. I'm not saying that seminary, church, school, etc. are wrong, bad, or anything like that. In the midst of them, I know their worth. But right now, I personally feel walled in by them, as if my own identity is becoming fused with the identities of church/school, and that makes me squirmy.
I have a few minutes now before work, and I thought that I'd say something because I haven't said much in a while.
The past two weeks have come to an end and have been more wonderful than I could have imagined. On Saturday, February 24, I presented my paper on Rahab, immigration, and a faith-based ethic of hospitality at the Calling to Justice conference. I dreaded the day, not because I wasn't looking forward to attending the conference, and not because I wasn't proud of the paper I had written and the honor of being selected to present, but because this subject matter, while of great interest to me, is not what I would consider to be my specialty. Moreover, since the keynote speaker, Luis Urrea, is an author who tackles subject matter such as immigration and life in poor Mexico (due to his own upbringing and experiences), the conference was full of people who were interested in immigration-related topics. This means that while the other presenter during my time slot had an audience of 10, I had an audience of 45. That'll put the pressure on you to want to present well and make sure that you know what you're talking about. The presentation, according to my own standards and expectations, didn't go at all as I would have planned or hoped for myself, and yet it emerged successful nonetheless. It turned into a conversation about the Bible and justice in general instead of an illuminating discussion of Rahab, and that was fine. One man commented to his discussion group that I was his new hero, and when this message was relayed back to me, I realized that my own agenda in this presentation wasn't nearly as important as the fact that I had opened up a conversation about justice and immigration that many people in the room wanted to join. Conference #1: successful.
And then there was this past weekend. I presented four sessions on worship and the church at my church's Faith in Life weekend. I also preached at all three services...which means that I spent 12 hours at church over two days! This weekend exceeded all of my own expectations for it. I didn't know how many people were going to attend - I had expected 8-10, and had expected to carry out the weekend in a seminar-fashion, sitting around a big table in the church's lounge. Instead there were 25 people there, and so I ended up standing at a podium facing four rows of chairs! We began Saturday morning with the service of morning prayer from the new Evangelical Lutheran Worship book (because why shouldn't we start with worship if we are going to spend a day and a half talking about worship?), and then spent the next hour brainstorming and discussing what worship is, who/what worship is for, and essential elements for worship. In our next session, I walked them through the specifics of the Holy Communion liturgy - our Sunday morning liturgy - and then talked about ways to envision the nature and purpose of the Eucharist itself. This was important to me. Something that I've learned through my seminary career about the Eucharist is that I love theology, and getting down to the nitty gritty of what exactly happens with the elements, and the way that Luther's theology differs from the Roman Catholic church, from Calvin, and from Zwingli. BUT, while I enjoy that as a theological discipline, there are more important and relevant things to say about the Eucharist when looking at its implications for people of faith and for the church. About the way that the table communicates to us God's promises, and the way that we come to the table as a true community of faith. How the table is "risky" and asks us to share in God's promise with those whom we dislike, or those with whom we disagree. How the table points us beyond the walls of our own sanctuary, and how the meal we share drives us out into the world for the sake of the world. We all had a really insightful, edifying, and passionate conversation about these things - I think it turned out to be the best and most important session of the weekend. After lunch, I presented passages from Amos and Isaiah in order to initiate conversation about the relationship between worship and justice, and then on Sunday, I presented the basics of our new hymnal to the Adult Forum. And preaching went well, too. (I'll post my sermon later.) I was certainly more comfortable presenting this type of material, as opposed to the Rahab and immigration material. Worship and liturgy are my passions, and because of this, I have explored these topics more deeply and have a greater base of knowledge to draw from. I love teaching about these topics, and I can't wait to find more opportunities to do so!
And now, back to the normal ins and outs of seminary life. Today, Monday, is my long day: class from 8-10:50, work from 2-4, choir from 4:15-5:30, and class from 6:30-9:30. And tack on a 25-30 minute commute to both ends of the day. Meanwhile, Matt is at home, enjoying the first real day of his spring break! He's definitely earned the break. And from here on out, this week gets to be more and more fun. After my full day today, I only have one class tomorrow and Thursday, and I work Wednesday and Friday afternoons, so my schedule slows down. Also, some of our friends from college are coming to visit for the weekend, so I'm excited to see them! And it means that I get to do fun things like bake lasagna and make chocolate chip cookies. :) Cooking rocks. Maybe I'll even find time to finish the pair of mittens that I'm working on for my sister! It feels so nice, for the first time in two weeks, to have a week where I have nothing to do except my normal routine. No outside work. I'll enjoy it while it lasts...because research papers are indeed lurking around the corner.... :)
I've spent the past three days:
- being sick on and off (boo! I'm so tired of catching stuff from kids!)
- thinking about the book I have to read, the response paper I have to write, and the sermon I have to write (complete with a multimedia aspect) all for Wednesday...none of which I've started
- taking care of a cute and yet wiggly kitten
- spending seven hours at church (singing at two services, leading our small group, and leading Sunday night youth group because our youth director was out of town)
It's an interesting mix of stuff. It's stressful, and yet I feel like a blob as I sit on the couch, trying to feel better and simultaneously trying to read...and to pet a cat on my lap...
I have to say that I definitely need a flat-out day off. A day for Matt and I to go do fall things before winter sets in. To wander around Andersonville, to go play frisbee in the park across the street, to snuggle under my favorite HUGE fleece blanket and watch one of the many movies that are on our list...a day when I'm not responsible for anything!
I just feel all jumbled right now. I'm not quite sure how to shake it.
Yikes. It's already Sunday. This is bad. I needed to be super-productive this weekend...
I love my worship class. I love my professor. I sit in that class and sometimes have a hard time figuring out why I'm not doing my Ph.D so that I could teach something like that. However, Dr. Bangert assigned 375 pages of reading over the last two weeks, which I have to write a short paper on for Tuesday and on which I have to take a test on Thursday. In the midst of that, I have to read a short (100 page) book for my preaching class and write a reflection paper on it for Wednesday. And then for next Tuesday, I have to write a book review for my Church and Society class, and because of all of these other assignments, I haven't even picked out the book that I'm going to read for it.
And on top of that all, I'm (yay!) preaching in church on October 14/15, so at some point next week I also have to write a brilliant sermon. :)
I really do love being a student.
Midterm time really snuck up on me, though. However, to be fair, my professors all scheduled these assignments prior to reading week, which means that my reward for two weeks of stress is a FREE WEEK that I don't have to devote to homework and midterm preparation. I'm considering a trip up to St. Olaf/Minneapolis area for part of that week - I'm excited to hang out with Bethany! All I have to do is survive these next two weeks.
If you trace some of the themes of my blog over the course of the past two years, you will find that there is a small but heartfelt strain of my own grappling with what it means to be a seminarian or a pastor interacting with the non-church world. I have struggled with wanting to shed the misbelief that seminarians and pastors are anything other than normal people, who have lives, hobbies, interests, likes, and dislikes apart from the church proper. At the same time, however, I have also struggled with the distinctions that can or should be made between the way we interact with the world and the way that other people interact with the world.
I like a good dark beer. I'll order one on the rare occasion that I show up at a bar. I'll buy a six-pack to keep in the fridge for when I eat pizza with my dad. I'll drink a glass of wine with a fancy dinner. I have come to justify for myself and my (future pastoral) life that there isn't anything intrinsically wrong with alcohol. I have not, however, and will not ever be able to justify reckless drinking and drunkenness from pastors, future pastors, or seminarians.
I saw pictures from a seminary birthday party that was held this past weekend. I wasn't offended by pictures of friends, standing around talking, red plastic cups in hand. Having a drink with friends doesn't bother me. I did, however, feel bothered when I saw pictures of teams squaring off in a variety of drinking games. And I felt ashamed and astonished when I got to pictures of keg-standers. Seriously. I saw a picture of a girl I see most days in class or chapel being held upside down by two other guys that I have classes with, with another girl who I know from classes and mutual friends assisting to make sure that the beer was flowing directly from keg to mouth. Horrifying. This is especially troubling given the fact that I was sent an email invitation to a different party the weekend before that advertised first and foremost the presence of a keg and plenty of other alcohol. And especially troubling when, after the party, the hosts emailed the entire student body asking us to keep an eye out for a necklace that a guy had lost while winning the keg-stand on that particular evening.
I know that I blogged at least once over the course of my time at PTS concerning the abundance of alcohol (and subsequent drunkenness) at seminary floor parties. This is nothing new for me. I suppose that I can honestly say that I had hoped that this sort of rampant public drunkenness was an exception to the rule. But apparently I was mistaken, because LSTC is no better. I'd probably have to say that LSTC is worse.
Is this a rebellion against the restraint that will inevitably be required upon ordination? Is it a matter of getting this sort of behavior out of our systems before we become responsible pastors? If so, it's terrible reasoning.
I fully understand the struggle with taking on the identity "pastor." It gives people a certain set of preconceptions (misconceptions?), expectations, and preconceived notions, often based on experience. I struggle with the fear that people - my family and friends included - will only see my collar and not see me. It is difficult to adjust to taking on this new identity that could (should?) become my only identity.
But at what point do we have to accept the inevitabiities of what it means to be a pastor and be willing to live a life consistent with those expectations, even prior to ordination?
These pictures that I looked at are online. Public. Available to anyone who knows where to look for them.
If someone were to stumble upon them, what would they think? Would they have any clue that they were looking at a party hosted by future pastors? Or would they just think that they were looking at a frat party? And shouldn't there be a difference?
As Christians, we are Christ's hands and feet in this world. As future pastors, we are called to serve the church - the body of Christ in the world. We are not called to be perfect, but we are called into our baptism as recipients of God's free grace. What does it mean to living within that calling? How far can we stretch God's free grace before we have distorted the meaning of the Christian life?
I spent this past weekend at the University of Notre Dame for a Ph.D interview/admissions weekend hosted by the theology department. I drove in Thursday night, checked into the Inn at St. Mary's (quite beautiful), flipped through my orientation packet, drove around to find some late dinner, and met my awesome roommate, Christina. We stayed up way too late, nervous about the next day's interviews and not quite able to get comfortable in beds that weren't our own.
Friday evening, we split up (again) into our particular specialties and ate dinner at the houses of students or professors in those specialties. For us LS people, we had a students-only dinner at a second-year's house. It was a fabulous evening - all of the current LS students are just wonderful. And all three of us candidates got along quite well with everyone. Unfortunately, over dinner we learned that the LS department usually only takes 2 people! Bah!
