Last night, just after midnight, I emailed my last paper of the semester to my professor, a full 8.5 hours ahead of deadline.
And then I felt really really confused and weird.
With that paper turned in, I am officially done with this year, which means that I am officially done with school forever. (Unless I get a Ph.D someday. But I'm not thinking about that yet.) So in theory, I am finished with school. Finished with readings and papers and assignments hanging over my head, finished with the idolization of summer that comes with knowing that a new schoolyear begins in September, finished with classrooms and cafeterias and library research....
...and it turns out that I don't yet know if I like it. I've spend nearly 21 straight years of my life being a student. I don't really think that I know how to do anything else. I have a degree that leaves me qualified to get ordained, but nothing else, and I certainly don't yet feel qualified to be ordained! (Hopefully internship will help!!!) Even though I am in line to end up with a vocation in another year and a half, and a vocation so profound that I actually have to feel called by God to do it, I am feeling a sense of helplessness and loss at the moment, because I'm finished with the one thing in life that I know I can do well: be a student. And I'm finished with the one thing in life that I understand the best: the academy. I'm headed toward something that I love - the church - but I'm so unsure as to how I'm going to fare serving it full-time and full-force.
I already miss the comfort of holing myself up in the library, working on a paper. I already miss the bliss of knitting/cooking/playing video games when I should be working. I already miss the satisfaction of finishing a paper. I even miss the stress of a busy and yet ultimately productive week. School is a series of small accomplishments (and some bigger ones) that makes me feel smart, responsible, and capable.
I'm scared to move beyond all of that.
Busy yet ultimately productive weeks. Sounds a lot like a pastor's week. Knitting/cooking/playing video games when you should be working. That can be part of a pastor's life too. I think it should be part of a pastor's life.
ReplyDeleteInternship is great for helping find out what kind of pastor you'll be. If you've got a good internship site and supervisor then you'll still be learning. They shouldn't think of you as the assistant pastor but as the student pastor who's still learning the ropes.
And about feeling qualified to be ordained. Anyone who really feels qualified is a pompous ass. I feel honoured that my synod and this congregation see something in me that they think makes a good (hopefully good or at least decent) pastor. I'm coming up to my 5th anniversary of ordination this July 12 and I'm not sure what qualifies me to be a pastor except for some seminary education, a call from God and God's people to do this work, and usually a love for God's people, God's church.
I don't know if there has to be anything else or should be anything else that qualifies us. God bless you Melissa.