I Think I Need Spring

The gray days are getting to me, I think.

I've been in a weird mood the past couple days. Today in chapel it occurred to me that the word "disillusioned" might be the best one to describe what I'm feeling.

Part of this has to do with being in school, and being only vaguely attached to it. I'm a commuter, I'm only here for one year, and I'm taking many repeat sorts of classes. I feel unattached to what goes on here, therefore, and it's causing me to become disillusioned with what it means to be a student. Also, I keep wondering what all this studying is really about. At what point does just knowing more stuff really matter anymore? Mind you, this is coming from the girl who is still considering a Ph.D. I'm not ready to turn away from the academy, but I am starting to feel a bit closed in. Everyone (including me) has their passions - some love studying languages, some love reading liberation theology, some love multicultaral ministry studies, some love working through Paul's letters, some (like me) love liturgy and preaching courses. And we all want to believe that our passions are important to the greater world. But...are they? And at what point are we fooling ourselves if believing that being an expert on Paul or in Hebrew will actually better-equip us for service in the world? And in the same way that I wanted to just escape school/seminary for a while, so also did I feel as if I wanted to escape my future place in a parish for a while. The seminary and the parish are insular. I don't feel trapped by them, but I do feel padded in and perhaps oversheltered by them. I feel as if these two spheres, when they are the only spheres in my life, are trying to convince me that the other parts of my life/work/world aren't as important, and that these noble institutions are the best lens through which to view the world. That my passions, interests, anxieties, etc. are best-filtered through both school and parish. I sort of feel that these two spheres are trying to hold an exclusive claim on me, and I really wish that I could be free of them for a while. There's a luxury to spending 40+ hours a week devoted to God and God's service (and preparation for it), but insofar as it is a luxury, I am starting to feel about it the same way that I do about other luxuries. A little guilty, a little wasteful, perhaps a little detached from what is necessary, feeling the need to be a bit more frugal with my life.

The church is absolutely necessary, I believe that. And as that institution is so important, so also are the pastors who lead it. And so also are the professors who teach the seminarians who will be those pastors. I'm not saying that seminary, church, school, etc. are wrong, bad, or anything like that. In the midst of them, I know their worth. But right now, I personally feel walled in by them, as if my own identity is becoming fused with the identities of church/school, and that makes me squirmy.