just...off

ever have one of those off days? or one of those periods of time - a few days, maybe a week, maybe longer or shorter, but something more than a day - where you simply feel OFF, as if something in the cosmos shifted, bumping you out of your normal routine, shaking you ever-so-slightly out of your normal alignment, where you feel that you are one of those red and blue 3-D double images that can only be seen clearly with a special pair of glasses?

that's me.

i was productive today: emailed a whole bunch of people with a late summer update on my life, emailed the registrar to ask a few questions about courses, emailed back my newly found field ed supervisor about setting up a meeting time this week, emailed my field ed advisor at the seminary in order to finalize my placement after a rocky past six months of struggling to find a site...

and last night too, after freaking out about money, getting the courage to ask my parents for help...

i was under the impression that i had all my affairs in order.

but then an email back from my seminary field ed advisor, rambling about the complexities of my site/situation without giving me any better advice or solution beyond "email me back in a couple of weeks" shakes me out of my little world where everything is tucked away nicely into its orderly compartments. it casts onto me the imperfections and rustiness inherent in my personality: the procrastination, the fear of confrontation, the muddled priorities that shove the important and practical aspects of life further down the list than they should be.

the email wasn't the sole catalyst. two nights ago, for no apparent reason, i found myself praying for forgiveness for my oversights and my rough edges. i found myself bemoaning the character flaws that lie in me, seemingly harmless, and only creep out to remind me of things that i should have done sooner, done better, done more of or less of.

today i craved the start of the schoolyear, where i have places to be and things expected of me. the start of the schoolyear, where we are already moved into our new apartment and settled, where i have a place to leave home for and a home to return to.

the half-packed disarray of our baltimore apartment is a mirror to my thoughts and struggles and fears. not quite organized. sort of messy. hard to sort out what can be packed up and what is important to keep out of a box for another day or two.

it's all a mild case of dishevelment. (and yes, dishevelment is indeed a word. i just looked it up.)