autumnal equinox

i wonder if i will like the early fall of darkness better when there is snow on the ground.

i used to love the early darkness on a snowy night. i loved how the darkness and the cold shimmer of snow made me cozy to be inside. stopping by a friend's dorm room on my way back from dinner - college, where doors were open and inviting, where after-dinner was the time for watching sitcoms and squeezing friends onto crowded couches. where socializing was as special as learning, and where residence life was truly community.

seminary is so different - there's so much more pressure to be doing work, there is the lack of roommates (no forced socialization), there is focus and drive, and people are always thinking about work. even hanging out is bookended by thoughts of work, and that makes the fall of dark lonely.

even though i'm in an apartment now, and married, and things are certainly different, i'm still not ready to lose the charm of winter approaching.

the life of a st. olaf music person: returning early from thanksgiving break for christmasfest rehearsals. my sophomore year, i returned in the afternoon to an empty room, in the chill afternoon dark, with a few hours to kill before rehearsal. i ordered a small pizza from basil's, my all-time favorite local pizza place. i turned on christmas music, turned on no lights in the room except for the year-round decorative christmas lights, and settled in the middle of the floor with tissue paper and a pair of scissors. it was cold outside but warm in my room. the building was nearly empty, but i was happy to be alone. i made snowflakes and ate pizza all the way up until rehearsal. and walking to rehearsal was a parade of music geeks from their respective dark and empty residence halls; a sense of reunion as we walked into the music building, as if we were long-lost members of a distant club. we had campus to ourselves, and we crowded into a recital hall to sing together. the early dark, the snow, the music, all was sufficient. you couldn't help but feel beautiful inside.

i think that as we get older, we lose some of that enchantment with the descent of late autumn. the dark makes us tired, being alone makes us antsy, it's not enough to be warm or full of yummy pizza. we get older and get fooled into believing that we need something more.

the dark is a simple pleasure that i want to recover.

and maybe this is the year.

i'm just waiting for the snow. :)