Arriving: Gains and losses

"Arriving" is a continuation of the blog series "Leaving," which reflects upon my process of transitioning out of my first call and into a new call; leaving St. Timothy Lutheran (Naperville, IL) and moving to First Lutheran (Decorah, IA).
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I've been here at First for four weeks now, and my life here is starting to feel nice and full. I am learning names, I have been invited to dinners and hangouts and coffees, I've already fallen behind on filing papers and emails. I know the movement of the liturgy, I know how to use the copier, and I know the names of a bunch of high schoolers from my visits to youth group.

But it is through all of these gains - and the gains yet to come! - that I am also becoming more aware of my losses.

Here's what stinks about the transition process: I can only be in one place at a time.

The only way for me to serve a congregation is to build relationships on a personal level. That is to say, I can only be a good pastor if I am personally invested in the congregation and its members. And I am pleased that this process of relationship-building is happening at First. But it also means that I feel sad about the relationships I left behind at St. Timothy.

I know that I cannot be pastor to two congregations at once. But it is really hard to be out of touch with people whom I care deeply about. It's hard to look at old pictures of the St. Timothy high school group, because I miss hanging out with them. It's hard to catch word about events and activities going on at St. Timothy, because I picture the faces of all of those people whom I love, gathering to worship and to serve, and I miss being with them. I think about members who were in poor health, or who were going through difficult times, and it hurts that I'm not in a place to follow up with them or reach out to them.

And I know that it has to be that way. I absolutely want to be at First, and I am so ready to love and care for and serve everybody in this congregation. But it's a really strange exercise to just walk way from people and a place in which I invested so much time and emotion.

It's a peculiar cruelty of the pastoral role, I think. Because you have to be invested for it to work...but you also have to let go when you leave.

Such is the way with transitions, I suppose. Even to pursue good and exciting and meaningful change, you have to leave some part of yourself behind. In order to start a new life, you have to leave pieces of your old life behind. Where there are new gains, there will also be some losses.

The loving part of being a pastor is amazing. The letting go part is harder.