On Relaxation

I have to admit that it took me the full week between the end of finals and graduation to settle into the concept of leisure time. For that entire week, I couldn't sit still for more than an hour at a time without wondering what else I should be doing, as if there were work to be done, or as if I was being lazy, ungrateful, and wasteful - as if there must be something that I should be doing that was actually productive and thus fulfilling. I went to the mall three days in a row for no reason other than to get up off the couch and leave the apartment. I was frustrated because I felt as if I had no sense of purpose.

But then Thursday happened - I had a meeting in the morning and then spent the rest of the day cleaning the apartment for my family's Friday morning arrival. The weekend was a blur: I only had my family around for three days, and in those three days I had to find time to enjoy them amidst baccalaureate, graduation, and a Mother's Day barbecue with Matt's family. The way that we solved the problem of having many appointments in a short visit was to make the special effort to stay in more than we went out when we weren't obligated to be anywhere - we made a point of sitting around and enjoying each other. I think that changed and helped me. I realized that there isn't necessarily any shame in allowing myself to relax, especially when it is a bounded indulgence. I finished classes, have these few weeks to relax, and then begin CPE the first weekend in June. (Sidenote: CPE = Clinical Pastoral Education, which is a summer-long hospital chaplaincy internship required for my eventual ordination.) Knowing that I'm not making a habit of being lazy, and knowing that relaxation is not the same as laziness, this week has been a mostly leisurely one, with just a hint of responsibility here and there to remind me that I'm still involved in the functioning of the world and that the world still has a hold on me and my life.

This is not to say that my relaxation has been profound or deep, however. This week has been filled with frivolity (though much-appreciated frivolity!). Matt and I are more than halfway through watching the first season of the West Wing on DVD, and I am enjoying it immensely. I think that it is a smart and well-thought out show, and that it is beautifully executed, even when the banter is a bit verbose. I've spent more hours than necessary sorting through graduation pictures and setting aside particular shots for use in an album, should I ever get around to making one. I just did the myspace thing today, something that I had been resisting, but something that has already turned out to be a fun way to reconnect with friends from high school and college. I spent two different afternoons this week hanging out with Matt at the after-school program at Princeton Academy of the Sacred Heart, which he directs. This meant refereeing heated games of four-square, playing on the swings while observing the construction of roads and bridges in the sandbox, making sure that the junior-kindergarteners get their turn shooting baskets with the third-graders, tossing a frisbee with the last kid whose dad was late, and watching our friend Jason get outnumbered in lopsided games of cops and robbers. Some parts of my week were more "worthwhile" than others, you see. But I have come to terms (at least for the moment) with the knowledge that enjoying my last days in this apartment before I have to pack it up, enjoying my last days in this part of the country, and enjoying the company of my husband while we still have time to curl up on the couch together to watch TV are not vices, but rather are necessary parts of renewing and reworking myself as I head into everything that the future will inevitably throw at me.