Do you ever wonder what your legacy is/will be, or if you've managed to leave one at all? Sometimes I worry that I haven't made a mark on the world - that I haven't done anything particularly important or admirable or noteworthy. That I'm doing life, but not doing it as well as I should be. It's the human fear of being forgotten, I suppose.
I would like to be someone who has a circle of close friends. Someone who is responsible and energetic, funny and intelligent, charismatic and compassionate. I want to live a life doing something that matters, where I strike a balance between living a quiet, introverted, sometimes insular life and living a life out in the world with people and community.
Things like my love for theology and knitting, my love for the academy, my tendency to stay quiet and stay home instead of seeking out people or adventure: what good are these things outside of my own inner life? Of what importance are they to the people and the world around me?
It's selfish, maybe, that I want someone to look at me and think that I'm going to make a difference in the world (or already have made a difference!) and impact the world around me in positive ways. It's selfish, I know, that I want my life path to be considered admirable. It's selfish, certainly, to want "the whole package" in order that I might be considered someone to look up to.
I just fear that everything that I've pursued up to now has been frivolous. Pastoring won't be frivolous, not at all. But what if I do at some point decide that the Ph.D is in my future? Back to the academy, back to what I love, back to lofty academia and the "frivolous" pursuit of my insular bookish enjoyment; and away from doing something that matters.
I just want to be the girl that people look at and say "Wow. She's going to go far."
We often don't know what kind of mark we're leaving. I serve a small congregation (around 170 members) in a smallish town (population 18,000) and I usually don't see that I'm making or leaving much of a mark.
ReplyDeleteBut from time to time I get some affirmation or some sign that what I do here with and for these people means something. It's not all for naught.
I think it's all about doing what we're called to do. Leave the mark making up to the Holy Spirit. I'm sure you're going to go far but you might not always see the impact you made along the way.