I Admit It: I'm Procrastinating

It's an ugly gray wet day today - the night was full of crazy thunder and wild rain - and it's hard to think about getting any work done whatsoever. I mentioned to Matt as I took him to the train this morning that days like today make a good case for putting a TV in the bedroom: you can put on a movie, crawl under the covers, and keep cozy while the rain pounds away.

I could use a cozy, sleepy day today! I slept on the couch half the night, "waiting up" with Matt while he did a whole lot of homework. Then, when we headed to bed for real, I had that terrible realization: I'm getting sick. Boo on going to bed with a sore throat and a headache and being all light-headed and dizzy. And moreover, crazy thunderstorms don't help you stay asleep. I think we both woke up tired and ragged this morning.

Perhaps part of my lack of motivation this morning also comes from having entered the "lame duck" stage of internship. I'm here for three more months, with plenty of tasks to take care of (finishing the planning for the youth mission trip to Denver, coercing someone into being VBS director, helping pick out a Sunday School curriculum for next fall...and more preaching, hospital visits, and the like!). But at the same time, I'm not so involved in longer-term planning anymore. I can put in my two cents about the worship schedule for the fall and for how to re-work confirmation, but I won't be around to be involved in any of it! It's a strange feeling, as if internship were already over, even though it's not!

In the meantime, I'm filling my time with stressing out about the next (and final) steps toward ordination. The hardest part about not getting into PhD programs is having to reorient my thinking about what happens in my life once I leave Rockford after internship. Instead of having the security of going back to school in the fall, I have the double uncertainty of not knowing where I'll be next, nor when I'll begin. Here's what I know: I do all of my final paperwork and meetings this summer, and get put into the assignment pool for the end of September/beginning of October. Which means that by the end of October, I should know where in the country I'm going to be (embedded in that anxiety is hoping that I can petition to restrict to Chicago, since Matt still has one more year of law school there). But then...I wait. And interview with churches. And work with the bishop to end up at a good fit church for my first call. Meaning that I could be in my first call soon after regional assignment...or not for a while, depending on how things go.

It's anxiety-provoking. In life, I've made peace with figuring out my life year-to-year, understanding that until Matt and I finish our education and settle down somewhere, I don't have the luxury of planning terribly far into the future. But the approval/assignment/first call process means that I'm living month-to-month! That's hard! When I'm done with internship, do I find a part-time job to fill the time until first call? And what sort of job do I look for, knowing that I could be there four months or six months or eight months or who knows how long? And what if my petition for geographic restriction isn't granted? What if I have to move to somewhere else in the country before Matt can join me? Because I don't so much want to live apart anymore. We've been married for 3 years, and have spent over a full year of that time living in different places.

Oof.

See why I can't keep focus on my work this morning? There's too much else rattling around in my brain! And there are too many energy-zapping forces working against me!

But...hey! It's Opening Day! That makes things feel better. :) Yay baseball! Go Cubbies!