"There Has to be Something More"

This is the refrain that's been running through my head over the past few days.

Objectively, I'm facing some number of months of uncertainty about what's happening next in my life: when I'll be ordained, where I'll be ordained, what to do job-wise in the meantime, etc. And mixed in with this is the question of whether or not I stay here in Rockford for an extra 6 weeks to finish out the summer so that Matt could look for a summer law internship here in Rockford as well as Chicago to up his chances of finding something.

And in the midst of thinking about all of this upcoming uncertainty, I find that it is getting harder and harder to focus on and take meaning in what I'm doing right now. This is not to say that my work and ministry here at Trinity are meaningless! It is meaningful for me and (hopefully) for those whom I'm serving. But on some level, knowing that there is a designated end to my time here, and knowing that I haven't a clue about what happens afterward, I feel strangely detached from my day-to-day work. This is natural - I'm nearing the end of a temporary internship which is meant to equip me for "the real thing," that is, ordained ministry and real church employment. But these days, I think I'm feeling a disproportionate amount of longing for doing something meaningful - something more than waiting around and feeling like my life still has training wheels on it.

Part of me wants to just throw up my hands, let Matt be the sole breadwinner, have kids, and find meaning in making/sustaining a family. Part of me wants to find a good one-year job, reapply to Ph.D programs, and hope that on the second go, someone will let me in. Part of me wants to forget worrying about finding a job between now and ordination, and instead spend my time catching up on knitting projects I've been meaning to start/finish, cooking endeavors I've been meaning to try, movies I've been meaning to see, Chicago explorations I've been meaning to do, and books I've been meaning to read. And part of me just wants to forget everything and find ways to spend as much time with Matt and my family as I can.

I know that life has plenty more in store for me, and so when I think "there has to be something more," I know for sure that there is. I'm just impatient waiting for my life to catch up to all of the plans God has for it.

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